The case against hugging
Yesterday my 11-year-old niece started up a conversation that we’ve had more than once over the years: what do you do when someone wants to hug you, but you don’t want to hug them? Boy, can I relate. My personal space extends to Mars on some days, and yet I, too, have those issues about not being rude, not being mean, and generally giving in to something I don’t like.
Which, if you think about it, is being mean–mean to yourself. You wouldn’t force your child or your best friend to put up with something that made them feel uncomfortable, so why do you force yourself?
So here’s today’s question: in a social setting, whose feelings should take precedence–the hugger’s or the huggee’s?
Let’s say you see your former boss coming across the room. He’s got that big grin, his arms are already opening, and all you can think is RUN! You never liked the guy when you worked for him, and your feelings haven’t tenderized over time. Yet there you are, in front of other people, and it would look (a) bizarre (b) rude and/or (c) psycho to get into some defensive stance and shout, “Keep back!” no matter how much you want to do it. So you let him keep coming, and when the moment arrives you either (a) take it, or (b) duck out of his arms just in time, twisting and spinning like someone from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Which brings us to another point: duration. Just as there’s a socially-acceptable length of time to look a stranger smack in the eyes before you start coming across like a stalker, there is a reasonable duration to the social hug. We may not know exactly what that length of time is, but we all know when the line has been crossed.
In martial arts, when someone has you down on the ground in some painful arm lock or leg bender, it’s understood that when the pain is too great you can pat out. This means you give your partner a double-tap on the arm, or you slap the ground, and your partner must immediately release the hold. The idea is we all want to be able to come back and train another day, and if you keep breaking your classmates’ limbs, the pool gets a little reduced.
It would be nice if you could use the pat-out during a hug. “Okay, then, thaaat’s enough,” pat, pat. The person immediately backs off, no hurt feelings, back to life as we know it. Or you see your opponent coming in for the embrace, and you quickly slap your thigh twice–”Not today. I’m out.”
So what do I tell my niece? Just because she’s not an adult, does she have to take what we dish out? I understand the impulse to hug her–she’s a beautiful, sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, and I’m sure others feel the same. But if she doesn’t want to be hugged, is it my business to force her? And just because I wish my 8-year-old nephew would still cuddle up to me when we watch movies, does that mean I get to aunt-handle him into it when he’s long past the cuddle stage?
One of the things that impressed me so much about my husband was watching him interact with his daughter as she headed into puberty. The time came when she didn’t want the full-body embrace anymore–she kept squirming out of it. So rather than force the issue and make her uncomfortable (”I’m your father, damn it! Take it!”), my husband dropped back to the arm-across-the-shoulders-quick-squeeze move. And if she didn’t seem to like that, I’m sure he would have stopped altogether.
Kids have so little power as it is. The least we can do is help them grow up believing they have the right to decide who gets access to their bodies. It may seem a small thing to tell your daughter, “Don’t be that way–go hug Uncle Mike!” but what are you really teaching her? That she can’t trust her feelings? That no matter what her feelings are, she has to do what other people want?
I would think we’d rather raise young women who are comfortable saying no, who believe their no has value, and who believe that people should and will respect that. It’s taken me a long time to realize that just because someone wants to plant a big smacker on me at a party, or hug me at Starbucks (why always at Starbucks?), or pet my arm like I’m a puppy, I don’t actually have to take it. If that seems rude, then we need to change our definition of rude.
As my husband said at the end of our wedding ceremony when it was time to kiss the bride, “A simple handshake will do.”
Technorati Tags: Girl Health, Girl Power, Girls Self Esteem
April 19th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
I don’t know how you daintily get out of a hug situation. I always just take it, and I have to say if the person is nice, then I feel the love there. If the person is a pig, then I catch that vibe. So, I use the hug as a sort of vibe meter to get the vibe of the person. Then, the person falls into either the nice category or the mean category (unfortunately, for life). So, the hug can be used as a tool, if one is as black and white as I am.
April 19th, 2006 at 3:18 pm
As a hugger, I am on the other side of this fence. Having taught women’s self-defense, I have watched the panic on many faces as I would approach to show a technique requiring close contact. I would explain what I needed to show and most would agree, reluctantly, although some would say they “just couldn’t do it.” I am deeply concerned with womens’ safety and completely on board with their right to self-determination. It is SO MUCH EASIER at age 50 to express “NO” than it was at 30 or 40. If I could clearly remember 11 or 16 or 21, I am sure it was painfully horrible. A hugger is not as traumatized when rejected as a person who has to retreat inside just to tolerate being touched.
April 19th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
It is so hard to say if I am just so used to the unwelcome touches of near strangers that I’ve been desensitized. I myself am no longer very bugged by hugging. Part of what I do is I have two kinds of hugs: one for people I would hug anyway, and one for the unwelcome huggers. I call the one that I give freely a “breast hug.” This has nothing to do, really, with breasts. Rather, it has to do with the difference between a full and welcoming embrace, and a short and distanced embrace. I think we all have a version of the “non-breast hug,” probably involving an angling of our bodies away from the unwelcome hugger. Full, honest embraces are reserved for people with whom you are totally comfortable. Still, I’m probably a little desensitized to the kind of casual human contact that motivates people to hug anybody they know. At any rate, your niece would definitely appreciate people respecting her boundaries. It would be good to encourage this, too.
April 25th, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Dear Robin,
I agree hugging is totally out and crosses too many lines. Why make it akward? Instead, I ask why aren’t more people kissing? I think that you of all people would appreciate the fact that a fat kiss on the lips with a soon to be new friend just seems so much more classic! And its not like it can linger. You smooch and move on with your life. It’s time we get with the rest of the world and start kissing instead of hugging.