Do not make assumptions
Yesterday during my annual Fourth of July Freedom From Chores Fiesta (a.k.a. sitting on a couch all day reading) I came across this article by Don Miguel Ruiz, who wrote the New York Times bestseller The Four Agreements. It’s about the various agreements we’ve come to live by–agreements with ourselves, with others, with God (yeah, I know, you atheists–take it), with life. And it’s about the four simple agreements we could live by instead that would vastly improve our ability to be happy and peaceful.
And one in particular smacked me upside the head:
“Do not make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”
TELL ME ABOUT IT!
Because that’s one of my biggest problems. I don’t speak up about something, and instead I sit and fester and stew about it, when all I really need to do is ask whatever question is on my mind so I can just find out the truth and clear things up.
Perfect example: I’ve been suffering mightily these past several weeks, wondering whether a particular very important person liked the new book I had just written. And even though we had some e-mail correspondence and even a few phone calls, I didn’t want to bring it up until this person did. I thought I was being mature and cool.
When really I was dying inside.
And so a few days ago we were talking about something completely unrelated, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I blurted out, “Did you even like my book?”
And this person said, “I loved it! Didn’t X tell you? I read it in one sitting! I couldn’t put it down!”
We’re talking weeks here, people. Weeks and weeks of daily pain. It was constantly on my mind. I have a great capacity to make myself miserable.
So then I read that passage from Don Miguel Ruiz yesterday, and I’m all DER, and here’s hoping I can just hold onto that information long enough to serve me next time I get it into my head that I should just wait patiently and not speak up and ask whatever question is burning me up inside.
Sigh. But this is what age and experience are for, right? Some of us learn by doing, some can learn by watching others mess up.
I fervently hope all of you are in that second category.
Technorati Tags: Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
July 5th, 2007 at 5:34 am
I believe this means X needs a big ole can of whoop-ass for not telling you. That’s what this means to me.
Unless you enjoy this sort of thing because it gives you more reasons to poke your belly.
Incidentally, I tried that last night and I found something. A dead zone. At least it was dead when I ate it. Right there on the left side of my gut, lurking in my intestines.
Yep.
Chilli’s Chicken Tacos - Add guacamole for an additional $1.29.
And I wept like a baby.
Well, maybe that part didn’t happen.
July 5th, 2007 at 6:09 am
Sigh. Patrick, why do you resist?
July 5th, 2007 at 6:16 am
Maybe every person has one of those agreements in their weak spot. Mine would be “Don’t Take it Personally.” I take ill-timed red lights personally, so I probably have some work to do.
July 5th, 2007 at 6:44 am
Robin, could the VIP and the mysterious X possibly be family members? You don’t have to answer that.
But I had the same sort of experience. Some family members called me the day they finished the book just to love on me. (Didn’t matter what they thought of the book, although they liked it. They just wanted me to know how PROUD and EXCITED they were.) Others didn’t say a word. I don’t care who you are, that’s just not natural. LIE, for God’s sake.
“Do not make assumptions” is so hard to do. Especially when it comes to interpreting silence.
July 5th, 2007 at 6:56 am
Because I’m IRRESISTABLE?
July 5th, 2007 at 7:13 am
Mother Reader, that “do not take things personally” one is a tough one, isn’t it? But I can see how fixing that in myself really would make things a whole lot smoother. By the way, I had no idea the red lights were out to get you.
Sara, good guess, but no. But you’re right, the silence is just unnatural, and it hurts our little writer feelings more than people know. And when it’s family, sheesh, multiply by a hundred.
Patrick, you are TDFT. Too Damn Funny Today.
July 5th, 2007 at 7:16 am
It’s funny, this has been a big issue for me lately. I’ve adopted a sort of “blazing honesty” policy, and it’s amazing how little fallout there is and how much better you feel when you talk straight with people.
They are often so flummoxed that they give out a lot of information you didn’t ask for, LOL.
July 5th, 2007 at 7:17 am
“Blazing honesty”? Oh, man, how great that sounds. Probably felt awfully weird in the beginning, huh? But it must feel SO good.
July 5th, 2007 at 7:24 am
Welcome to the road to Space Lordishness, Katie.
MR- I talked to the lights. They said they only do it when you fail to leave on time. They are very cooperative except when you NEED them to cooperate.
http://www.rhapsody.com/montypythonsflyingcircus/thefinalripoff?tstart=20
listen to Traffic Lights. Very Appropriate. They like it when you sing it.
July 5th, 2007 at 8:46 am
“Unless you enjoy this sort of thing because it gives you more reasons to poke your belly.”
I sprayed the computer screen with laughter spit. Thanks, Patrick. That one will cost you.
And Robin, when will you get advanced reader copies?
July 5th, 2007 at 8:50 am
I am not sure that I have adopted the “Blazing Honesty” Policy but I like to think of it as the tactful honesty. If something is bothering you and you don’t say something in a tactful manner then its your fault you are still upset.
I have something on my mind and I have to choose the right words, especially since it is to my boss, to convey the message without getting myself in a whole heap of trouble. It will bother me until I do something about it. By this time tomorrow I hope to have it worked out.
July 5th, 2007 at 9:33 am
Heather, this is actually my brand new book (as in manuscript, not really a book yet) that I’m talking about. The one that will come out next year. I already have the advanced copies of this year’s book, Evolution. It’s weird to be already thinking about book 2 when book 1 isn’t even in stores yet, but that’s how it works. The brain must obsess in two directions.
Readerdiane, good luck! That’s the kind of thing that you wish you could just fast-forward over and have it already done. Be brave and honest, and let us know how it went!
July 5th, 2007 at 9:59 am
ReaderDiane - There is no tactful way of saying “That blouse makes you look like a hoochie-mamma”
Somethings you just have to blurt out.
July 5th, 2007 at 10:37 am
MR: “Don’t take it personally?” How can I not? I take everything personally. That is one of my weak spots, especially when it is personal. Hah!
One of the top things that makes me see red (besides the terrible things going on in the world and anything that might possibly threaten children) is when people tell me what (they believe) I think instead of asking me what I think. Anytime someone says, “Well, I know you think ______ because you’re Catholic/American/female/etc.” I have to take a deep breath and resist the urge to take the person apart.;)
July 5th, 2007 at 10:48 am
You know, Robin, I’ve decided I AM going to make an assumption. In my family, Person X always “speaks for” Person VIP. So if Person X wrote me a very nice note and donated a copy of my book to a local library and was generally wonderful, I’m going to assume that Person VIP felt the very same way. Unless he/she wants to tell me differently. There. Now my little writer feelings are all better.
Patrick: that’s why I love Stacy Loudon. She can say exactly that and no one blinks. Or slaps her.
July 5th, 2007 at 10:54 am
I’m working my way through The Four Agreements. Even though it’s a super thin book, I keep having to put it down to *think*. It was recommended to me by a friend who found the book helpful in losing the expectations she carries around with her - if you expect nothing, you will not be disappointed. So far I’m stuck on “don’t take it personally”!
July 5th, 2007 at 11:20 am
Kris, I love books like that, don’t you? I like to have to digest it a little at a time because it’s all so huge. So it’s probably good that it’s a thin book.
Sara, that seems like a kind–and realistic–assumption to make. Nice way to handle it.
Alkelda, a lot of rage issues there! But yeah, besides the world problems you mentioned (worthy of all of our rage), I understand what you mean about being pegged for a certain kind of person just because of your background and affiliations. What fun it must be to prove people wrong!
July 5th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Hmmmm . . . “Be Impeccable With Your Word” — thems powerful words (”avoid using the word to speak against yourself”). Reminds me of this from Marianne Williamson, which I’m sure everyone has seen a bajillion times, but it’s still good stuff (hard to do, but worth aiming for) and always worth repeating —
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
July 5th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
p.s. The reason Williamson’s words are hard to follow, is that — speaking of assumptions — if I’m having a low-self-esteem day, sometimes I fight the assumption that no one really wants to talk to me, and thus I become Flower on Wall. I don’t do this all the time, mind you; what kind of lame-o would that make me? But, yes, this ugliness sometimes rears its head. I actually sometimes go and find those words of Williamson’s and re-read them . . .
July 5th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Oh, Jules, I LOVE that quote! I love Marianne Williamson’s writing anyway, but that quote does it for me every time.
I’m so sorry you’re having a low day! I was just reading a book this morning that said before you jump to conclusions and think that what you’re feeling is true (more of that “don’t make assumptions” point), you should stop and ask yourself if you’re hungry, sleep-deprived, or dehydrated. It’s amazing how much of our pissy moods can be attributed to those physical causes.
So since you know in your heart that people really do want to talk to you, we all really like you, etc., time to stop and give yourself some food and water, then grab a rest. Tell me if that works.
July 5th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Uh, Space Lord.
Actually, who are you not to be?
Exacto-mundo *waving potter wand*
July 5th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Good points all, Robin.
That Williamson quote was once read — over ten years ago now — at the funeral of a dear, dear friend of mine. Not to sound morbid, but my point is: Isn’t that a great thing to read at someone’s funeral? His sister read it as a reminder to us all to go forth and live as Drew did — in the manner Williamson speaks up.
(I also remember that the quote was attributed to Nelson Mandela, which is incorrect. Come to find out, it was circulating around the country as being attributed to him. Don’t know how that happened, but it all got straightened out, I suppose).
July 5th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I meant, “in the manner Williamson speaks of . . ”
Guess I need some more water or rest today!
July 5th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Rage issues? What rage issues?
Hah!
July 5th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Um..that would be Stacy LONDON. Guess I need water (or sleep) too.
And I love that quote.
July 5th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Maybe this is the wrong thread to state this, but I ASSUMED you meant someone from WNTW.
You know what they say — Assumptions make Robin poke her belly.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Robin, I for one am thankful for the assumption you made last week when you saw a man “oh so casually” entering my house when you knew I was away….LOL.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Ha! I almost called the cops on Laura’s husband. Because I am Mrs. Kravitz.
July 6th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Robin: One of my English professors got locked out of his house one night, and had to break in to get into his house. He was really tired, and konked out in a chair. Someone called the police, and when the police arrived, there my professor was, so tired that the flashlights didn’t wake him up. The police thought he was drunk. Fortunately, his wife showed up in time to give a positive i.d.:)
July 9th, 2007 at 3:01 am
I’m very tired but wanted to pop in to say thanks for this post! I remembered it today when I assumed that someone I knew would know it was important that they got back to me about an important matter. But then I thought again (what’s important to me isn’t to everyone else!), and nicely asked them about it rather than waiting around for an answer (and fretting about it all night). They replied straight away and gave me good news, which otherwise I would have been agonising over!
I hope that all made sense